I took a one-month break from posting here on Substack. Writing is usually therapeutic for me, but over time, it was becoming performative. I felt a little overwhelmed by saying the right things the right way, a burden that I’m often plagued with thanks to all of my years in PR. Now that I’ve had time to disconnect and remind myself why I write, I’m ready to come back with some thoughts.
A lot has happened over the last month. Actually, I didn’t just disconnect from Substack—I decided to give up all social media and TV streaming as well. I realized I had a very unhealthy relationship with technology. When I looked at the ways I filled my waking hours, I’m ashamed to say that I was consuming technology and entertainment the way people binge junk food. It’s hard to eat just one potato chip, right? I’d never considered myself a couch potato, but emotionally and mentally I’d become one. Any time I was bored, I’d reach out to my phone to play a word game or stream TV on my computer, which turned into hours of time wasted in a day. Eating an entire bag of chips in one sitting isn’t great for your health, so I have no idea how I thought being glued to my screen for so many hours was any better.
Eliminating all these distractions opened up a lot of mental space and energy to do the things that add more value to my life. I’ve been prioritizing activities that bridge mind and body, specifically learning tai chi and qigong (I’ve turned into the old Chinese lady that Ali Wong said wasn’t her destiny. Thankfully I haven’t gone bald or started recycling for a living, but I’m totally embracing the flinging arms up and down business…in the privacy of my home). I also started doing shadowboxing, which, if I were to be frank, is a perfect combination of technique and outlet for releasing pent-up rage—something I’ve discovered to be an inevitable part of modern life.
More importantly, creating more mental space helped me embrace change in ways that have remade me—no exaggeration. Some of you know that I recently lost a job I loved with my entire heart and soul. In other words, maybe a bit too much. I thought I was totally over it, but it turns out, all of this time I still held onto the negative emotions and trauma from that loss. This didn’t occur to me until I started reading a book called Life is in the Transitions, which, by the way, I highly recommend. The author set out on a personal project to interview hundreds of people across America about the various disruptions in their lives—many of which were involuntary—and then included their stories, common themes, and lessons we can learn.
The book was so powerful that I cried. I cried because of how much it touched the personal wounds I didn’t want it to touch. My old life—the perfect career I tried to curate in the science and tech world—was slowly slipping away from me, and even though I knew I had to let go, I kept refusing for months to let my dream die. But on Wednesday, March 27, I gave it up, and in some mysterious way, I felt like I was being reborn into a completely new person. I stopped resisting the changes in my life. I finally accepted who I really was and who I was becoming. I felt free and fearless. I had a newfound curiosity about my future that I had lost somewhere along the way.
Without this book, I probably would have continued feeling the same way Ali Wong did in one of her stand-up specials. She was describing her beef with Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In and all the feminists who were gun ho about women working. Ali remarked, “Well, I don’t want to lean in, ok? I just want to lie down.”
The sheer honesty of that statement gets me every time. It’s hilarious because it’s true, but it’s also depressing because it’s true. From my late teens up until last year, I was ambitious and idealistic. But after getting pummeled with multiple stressors starting late last year, I began thinking, “Working is hard, fighting for a seat at the table is hard, and I’m damn tired nowadays. So yeah, sign me up for lying down.”
But this week, I decided I wasn’t going to be defeated. Life isn’t turning out the way I wanted, but that doesn’t mean my life is over. It just means what I think life should be is over and that it’s time to reimagine a new kind of life. I had been clinging to the false notion that not only do I have to be prolific and successful at every single point in my life, but also that I will always be on a linear, upward trajectory. Life is not that straightforward or predictable, and right now, I’m choosing to take life as it is, whatever it decides to give me.
Some highlights from Mendocino
My husband and I took a quick mid-week getaway to the coast a few weeks ago, which was very restorative.
We spent a lot of time outdoors, soaking in the beautiful sun and ocean air, and ate a lot of good food as well. Some of my favorite parts of the trip:
And that’s all for this week. Who knows how I will continue to evolve, but the adventure continues. Thanks for following along and happy Easter! 🐰🌸😎
Love the commentary on shadowboxing as "a perfect combination of technique and outlet for releasing pent-up rage." Yes to lying down - reminds me of Tricia Hersey's book Rest Is Resistance - and re-imagining what life could look like - reminds me of Rachel Cargle's book A Renaissance of Our Own!